A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
