dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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