Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
