well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
