im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
