I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
