"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
