Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
