My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just gargled with NyQuil
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
