I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
