I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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