I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
