there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
