Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
So apparently I’m into choking now
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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