2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Church boner. Awkwardddd
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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