people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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