Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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