It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
