if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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