I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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