If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You can't motorboat a personality
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
