final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
