I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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