so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
