yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
