Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize