she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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