Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
