i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
