U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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