What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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