dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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