I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
