I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
