A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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