If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
