My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
