wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Randomize
