Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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