I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
