Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
