I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
