the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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