Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
