I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
