Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
