So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
