well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
