it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
