I hate all girls vehemently.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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