I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm getting married
To pizza
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
