I hate all girls vehemently.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
