The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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