I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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