Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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