Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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