Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize