What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize