1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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