I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
