i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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