I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
