The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
