if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize